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October 25th, 2005
02:55 pm
Seems I am updating more in my other journal anyway. Especially cause a very lovely friend got me a paid account. HuffingStardust if any of you want to add me as a friend, I'd love it and will add you back if you aren't on my friends list already. :-)
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October 10th, 2005
07:05 pm - Stressors and possible causations
In no particular order:
-My hormones have been fucked and on a weird cycle for the past 2 months.
(tho i think all is going back to normal now, should be anyway)
-I have to find a new sleep doctor and you wouldn't believe the inconveniences being from MN and going to school out in NY that that can cause.
-I need to make an OBGYN appointment (annual stuff nothing bad), and therefore also find a new OBGYN.
-My back is really fucked up, mostly my shoulders and neck. To the point where I'm ALWAYS sore and always rock hard. Taz can loosen me up every once in awhile, but it doesn't last long. It's starting to give me headaches.
-Got so tired two weeks ago because my meds weren't sent on time, starting seeing things again, and having horrid nightmares. Still do every once in awhile.
-Can't seem to get on a regular sleep schedule again. I'm sick of being narcoleptic.
-I'm pretty frustrated with my body image and my weight.
-I'm really scared something's gonna go wrong or I'll drop the ball in my classes (i've only been scraping by) and I wont' graduate on time
-I don't want to be in school, I'm burned out.
-I keep getting small cysts on my neck and back and i just found one inside my earlobe though it's not big enough to make a bump, it hurts like hell and you can tell something is IN there. And these aren't zits, I know the difference. They eventually go away, but I think pimples are gross and these are even worse and painful. And I wonder if it's a condition that I then have to go find a dermatologist about...And I even hate writing it down on here because it makes me shudder to think other people will know. I haven't even told Taz. (They aren't really noticeable unless you know exactly where to touch) And in general they make me feel incredibly unsexy, gross and unhealthy on top of my body image issues.
-I never can get ahead of my work. I feel lethargic all the time. I'm always doing work and I never feel like I'm getting anywhere.
-I wasted this past weekend completely.
-I have to find time to get my old vaccination records from home to the clinic here, and go in a start vacccinations for Africa (I'm going in December to Tanzania for a 3 week camping trip/safari)
-Still working through some anger and bitterness towards Staypuft from our relationship and friendship issues.
-Am really weirded out by a friend I don't think I can trust right now.
-Independent Study papers need to be started soon and I don't know what to write about, especially not for ten pages and I'm afraid I'll fail.
-My Grandmother, in less than 6 months displayed mild signs of Senile Dimensia, got diagnosed with it, treated, and has already progressed to the point where they may put her in a home. My mother warned me to try to call her at least every week.
-I'm totally broke this month...I don't want to ask my parents for money. It was my fault, I managed it poorly and made a pretty expensive mistake I'm still paying for (literally it cost money to help take care of). So while I'm not starving, I'm stressed and worried and feel terrible about it.
-My apartment keeps getting dirty and I hate it. I spend a lot of time cleaning and it stays clean for so little time. I'm frusrated.
-I don't think my sleeping meds are working. They aren't as effective at this dosage, which means I need a higher one...But I need a new sleep doctor because no more refills without a check up in person. So I don't know if that will happen in time or not.
-I just got over a nasty nasty cold
-There are other people I'm worried about.
-Haven't started reading for my thesis which I need to write this spring, don't even know if I want to have that same topic or not, and within a month, or final thesis proposal is due or half a letter grade is automatically taken off. SUCH BULLSHIT!
I'm sick of always having 20 more things to do, that I can't get to in a give day and completely ignoring the things I'd like to do, and then when I do say "fuck it" and give myself a break, I go over the top and hit the ground running to catch up anyway.
There is no balance. I just want to curl up and have someone find me a doctor, make me an appointment and drive me there. I want someone to cook me dinner and wash my dishes and tell me to go clean my room. I want to be 5 years old again.
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October 8th, 2005
10:59 am
I created another journal. It's for friends who just want to read about my everyday life. I update more and summarize about my day, it's just a more topical journal for my friends to read since I don't want to share this with them. I added some of you as friends, so check your friend of lists :-)
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October 7th, 2005
06:01 pm - Shades of Grey
Have you ever had a friend who said all the nice things, and every once in a blue moon did the right, nice things, but other than that was rather insensitive? And did/said things consistently that weren't quite anything to be upset about, but definitely weren't things that made you comfortable? As if what they said or what they did, wasn't quite "wrong" but it definitely wasn't something that was just ok?
I have a friend who I am supposed to be close to, who doesn't really speak to me. Who has kept major things from me, that while s/he isn't entitled to share them because it's their right to privacy, a good and trusting friend would have, simply out of respect for the friendship.
I am always trying to figure out if s/he's just insensitive, really closed off or actually being manipulative/sneaky. I hate feeling like I can't trust them. And yet, I don't feel like anything s/he's doing or not doing is enough to prove anything or to bring up to them, because it's all in this really weird gray area.
The bottom line is I don't feel safe around them like I do with my other friends. I don't feel like I can trust this person. So I've decided to be as guarded with this person as I feel that they are being with me. It's the only thing I can think of doing that would help make me feel safer, without making a scene about something that is potentially nothign at all, or if it is all something, causing drama over what has been going on.
I'm just uncomfortable in this situation. Any advice?
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/scared.gif) anxious
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October 4th, 2005
10:49 am - Stuff N Things
*** EDIT: Apparently you can't read my responses, just highlight the page with the cursor to read, because somehow the html got fucked up and I don't know how to fix it...sorry!***
Successfully stuck to a rather painless diet yesterday. One day down!
Last night, Staypuft's away message said something like: "Stunned, in bed, trying to calm my nerves and forget today. You have no idea how much anger and hatred I feel because of you."
I don't know who it was directed at, but it wasn't me, thank goodness. I don't know why it would have been, but in this situation, who knows what shit could go wrong with Staypuft and I, so much sensitive history! I feel like things are finally stabilizing though, so that's good.
This morning, when he was awake, he signed online and responded to the messages I left last night.
It was a really good conversation. I think, with a lot of time, and once I've purged a lot of bitterness (which I have been doing quite a bit) we'll be able to be friends. I am just so damn impatient.
Me (2:26:24 AM): Whoa, are you ok?
Auto response from Staypuft (2:26:25 AM): in bed. stunned, attempting to calm my nerves and trying desperately to sleep and forget today...
words can't begin to express the anger and hatred i feel becuase of you
Me (2:30:13 AM): I hope so... :-\
Staypuft (10:29:33 AM): hey...im doin ok i guess...its a complicated story-im not sure im ready to talk about it-i found out some shit that just really angered me last nite...when ive processed it and calmed down i really would like to talk to you about it. .i just need a day or 2 to calm down
Auto response from Me (10:29:33 AM): a little worried about a friend. sleeping.
Me (10:31:07 AM): i made you mad?
Staypuft (10:31:13 AM): no not you
Staypuft (10:31:28 AM): has nothin to do with you at all
Me (10:31:29 AM): oh ok, when you said you'd like to talk to me about it i thought it might be me!
Staypuft (10:31:44 AM): no i wanna talk to you cause you're my friend and are somone i can turn to
Me (10:31:47 AM): Yeah I saw your away message last night
and you're not someone who gets so worked up easily
I was really worried
Staypuft (10:32:06 AM): i appreciate the concern
Me (10:32:07 AM): i didn't go to sleep until almost 3:30
but i was having a hard time sleeping anyway
Staypuft (10:32:18 AM): i didnt fall asleep til like 5
Me (10:32:20 AM): s'why i saw the message in the first place
oh i wish i had texted you
but i was on my meds so it was probably good i didn't, i don't suppose i could have helped much
i would have tried though
Staypuft (10:33:30 AM): i do appreciate the concern
Me (10:33:39 AM): well duh!
:-)
anything i can do for you for the time being?
Staypuft(10:35:15 AM): no, thank you though...im alright just a lil pissed and a jumble of emotions
Me (10:35:23 AM): :-\
Staypuft (10:35:24 AM): i just need a day or so to calm myself
Me (10:35:28 AM): yeah
(10:35:53 AM): i'm really curious and eager to help, but i know you need your own time and whatnot. I
I'
eeep!
lol
I'm sorry I can't do anything more yet.
Staypuft (10:36:20 AM): its ok not your fault
Me (10:36:28 AM): if you need a change of scenery, you can always hang out up here
Staypuft (10:36:34 AM): thanks:-)
Me (10:36:39 AM): i'm gonna be doing work most of the day anyway
Staypuft (10:36:47 AM): word
Staypuft (10:36:51 AM): i got 3 meetings today
Staypuft(10:36:52 AM): blech
Me (10:36:56 AM): that is yuck
tuesdays adn thursdays are my long days
class 6-8
Staypuft (10:37:18 AM): i dont have long days
Staypuft (10:37:22 AM): lol
Me (10:37:27 AM): well yeah
:-P
i'm having the hardest time getting out of bed and i really need to
but at least with a laptop i can wake up without getting out of bed and still be able to do some work
Staypuft (10:39:34 AM): they need to manufacture angry midget in a box who beats the shit out of you til you get out of bed every morning
Me (10:39:39 AM): lol
Staypuft (10:39:43 AM): it'd make so muchg money!
Me (10:39:49 AM): is that one of your narcolepsy jokes in your stand up routine?
:-P
Staypuft (10:39:54 AM): i would totally by one
Staypuft (10:40:01 AM): no but iwish they had a product like that
Me (10:40:08 AM): I'd get up so fucking fast
Staypuft (10:40:14 AM): hell yea
Me (10:40:21 AM): that's what narcoleptics need...
no fucking meds, just angry midgets
lol
Staypuft (10:40:33 AM): word!
Staypuft (10:40:44 AM): ok i gotta get off and go get my day started
Staypuft (10:40:56 AM): but thanks for the concernt i appreiate it
Me (10:40:56 AM): oh you get off to start your day? me too
Me (10:40:58 AM): :-P
Staypuft 10:41:01 AM): lol
Me (10:41:01 AM): kidding lol
yeah, no problem. i really am here for ya, and you know i'll be fidgeting until i actually get to help out
so take care of yourself and i'm here when you need me
Staypuft (10:41:48 AM): thanks, that really means alot to me
Me (10:41:55 AM): of course, that's what friends are for
Staypuft (10:42:00 AM): :-)
HuffingStardust (10:42:03 AM): later :-)
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/happy.gif) hopeful
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October 3rd, 2005
07:07 pm - Obsessed
I'm obsessed with food. I don't have an eating disorder or anything like that, but I really honestly think I'm obsessed. I'm either trying to eat healthy, scolding myself about what I am eating, thinking about the next time I should eat, telling myself I shouldn't eat yet, trying not to eat, trying to eat better, trying to lose weight, trying not to gain weight, making a point to diet, making a point not to diet, munching because I'm upset, not munching because I'm upset...Constantly wanting to lose weight, constantly telling myself I'm pretty and I don't care about my weight just cause society says to because damn it I am happy with me 90 percent of the time.
It's disgusting.
I'm afraid it won't change. Even if I lose weight, I'm afraid I'll always see myself as this overweight girl.
In 8th grade, i was wearing a size 8 jeans and i thought i was fat! i remember looking at myself and feeling as disgusted then as i do now, when i'm 50 pounds heavier!
I can say that health is the reason I want to lose weight, but it's not all of it, and to say so would be lying. The thing is, I just hope I'm not so deluded that I'll lose all the weight and hate my reflection anyway.
I have this very odd dichotomy of love and hate. Somedays I feel aboslutely drop dead gorgeous. On some days I feel absolutely disgustingly fat and ugly. I can't even look in a mirror. Most of the time I'm somewhere in between. But lately, I have gained weight. I can feel it and see it. It makes me feel gross.
I am almost 5'5 and I weigh 185 pounds!!! I should weigh between 125 and 145 in order to be considered healthy. And I've come to terms with the fact that I will probably settle somewhere around 135, because I'm not a slender girl. I am round and curvy. That's how it is. Some people's genetics make them slender, others keep them trim but full.
I'm just so upset to be starting yet another diet, and to find myself already defeated. It's all in my head, and Ive successfully lost weight for long periods of time before, but I can't get my head to go with me. Blah.
I'm going to have to be food obsessed this time until the dietary changes I make in my life just come naturally. I feel like it's the only way to free myself from constantly thinking about food and body image.
I wish I could blame all of this on society, but I'm fully in control of it, I've just let it all get so out of hand. I'm really scared to try and pull myself back to a healthier grip, view and healthier eating and working out habits. This time, I feel has to to work or it never well. I really feel like this is now or never, which of course, it's not, but if I'm going to do this and raise all these issues again and cause myself to really concentrate on thinking about my weight every fucking day (cause diets do that to me) then it sure as hell better pay off. I need it to.
I have to make it worthwhile.
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September 30th, 2005
11:08 pm - Apparently too much of me is depressing...
 | You scored as Violet. You are VIOLET. Some people consider you to be the perfect colour, a mix of hot red, and cool blue. Violet is an insperational colour, but like blue, too much violet can be depressing.
Violet | | 75% | Yellow | | 63% | Indigo | | 63% | Orange | | 50% | Rainbow! | | 50% | Red | | 50% | Green | | 50% | Blue | | 38% | </td>
What Colour of the Rainbow are You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
Yamcha, you know, my *LOVELY* roommate who never washed a dish in his entire life, always paid bills late, spray painted grafiti around campus (and the basement of our apartment building, punched a hole in the shower wall, left all his garbage, half his furtniture, and didn't even clean up any one part of hte apartment as we agreed on, skipped out on the last electricity bill while I was driving the girl he was currently sleeping with home (which I was doing so she could stay an extra night after graduation, which she mostly spent with him)...Is visiting the monkeys tonight. No one is thrilled. They are willing to tolerate him. I think a lot of them still consider him a monkey, despite their initial reactions. I never asked anyone to get involved for me or on my behalf. And they haven't, which is good. I reiterated that tonight and they said they were still just pretty disgusted with how he is able to treat people.
Staypuft (Fred) told him he couldn't stay at the house because he was a slob and they didn't want him disrespecting their space for the weekend. Taz said he didn't want the living room stinking like Yamcha for days. Rigger said he's really not impressed with Yamcha, but he's willing to give him a chance, and after all, he is a monkey. Mouth is entirely neutral about it--which, truth be told, I'd rather everyone be. But as long these are their feelings and not opinions they've decided upon on my behalf, then I can't change it or ask them to.
Personally, I don't know how I'd react to seeing him. Therefore, I am choosing not to see him. I am even going to go as far as to use my back door all weekend. He's supposed to get here in about 45 minutes, which is why I've come upstairs from the monkey house. I might hit him. I might scream and try to beat him to a bloody pulp. I might just simply ignore him. I might feel absolutely nothing and not give a goddamn whatsoever. The point is, the anger I felt towards him, the horrid way he treated me and the space we share and the way he left things, I'll never be able to let it go. It's unforgiveable. So I decided I'd leave all my anger locked up in that moment in time. It would all be put into that house and when I locked the door and walked out of that apartment and into my new one for the first time, all my anger would be left in my old apartment.
And I don't want that anger coming out. Which is why I refuse to see him, acknowledge his existence, presence or visit. I will not let him into my apartment, lay eyes on him, be in the same room as him, the same apartment as him, speak to him, or anything else having to do with him.
I'd rather be a big girl and remove myself from a potentially bad and horridly dramatic (and uneccesary situation) than have anything happen that makes for a bad experience for me, or for Taz, Rigger, Staypuft and Mouth.
I must admit, I am tempted to take the bag of laundry he left in our laundry room as a hostage for the 71.00 he still owes me on the last electric bill (and in college currency 71.00 is a fuckin gold mine). But that would only create drama and that's not what I want to do.
I was also tempted, to bake chocolate chip cookies, apple pie, biscuits, cake, banana bread etc. all these delicious tempting yummies so that when he arrived (and I wouldn't be there) the entire monkey house would be filled with a great smell of all the baked goodies and filled with butter-stuffed tempting treats that he wouldn't be able to eat while everybody else snacked in front of him. (Because Yamcha is allergic to butter).
But I don't put that kind of effort into revenge, even playful revenge that would really only mean something to me.
Anyway, I just hope I don't have to see his ugly ass this weekend.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/sad.gif) bored
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September 28th, 2005
06:12 pm - I am too hard on myself
 | You scored as Verbal/Linguistic. You have highly developed auditory skills, enjoy reading and writing and telling stories, and are good at getting your point across. You learn best by saying and hearing words. People like you include poets, authors, speakers, attorneys, politicians, lecturers and teachers.
Verbal/Linguistic | | 82% | Interpersonal | | 75% | Intrapersonal | | 71% | Musical/Rhythmic | | 54% | Visual/Spatial | | 50% | Bodily/Kinesthetic | | 43% | Logical/Mathematical | | 14% | </td>
The Rogers Indicator of Multiple Intelligences
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Mushrooms. Shrooms! You're still goin for one of the most natural drugs. You'd like to visit a whole other world, and see things you've never seen before. Fucking trippy.
Mushrooms | | 81% | Marijuana | | 69% | Ecstacy | | 69% | None! | | 63% | Cocaine | | 44% | Inhalents | | 44% | Alcohol | | 25% | </td>
What's your ideal drug?
created with QuizFarm.com |
(Gee, there's a surprise. Mushrooms. Who knew? :-P )
 | You scored as Nurturing Parent. The Nurturing Parent is the ego state that is caring, encouraging and reassuring. People who score high in this state believe, protect and nurture.
Nurturing Parent | | 73% | Natural Child | | 70% | Adult | | 60% | Adapted Child | | 37% | Controlling Parent | | 30% | </td>
Interaction with Others Survey
created with QuizFarm.com |
(EWWWWWWWWWW! I don't want to be a parent!)
 | You scored as Count Dracula. You are the charming, ravenous vampire from Bram Stoker's classic novel. A frightful spectre from the shadows of history, you harvest the blood of the living to perpetuate your existence. Though you are hospitable and charming, it is only an insidious ruse to cover your carnivorous intentions.
Count Dracula | | 71% | Frankenstein's Monster | | 67% | Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde | | 42% | Dorian Gray | | 17% | The Invisible Man | | 17% | The Headless Horseman | | 0% | </td>
What's Your 19th Century Horror Character?
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Xena, Warrior Princess. I am Xena, Warrior Princess. I have done some bad things in my life, but I am committed to helping other people. I like to laugh, though my sense of humor can be rather sarcastic. I have several close friends, including Gabrielle.
Xena, Warrior Princess | | 83% | Cleopatra | | 63% | Joan of Arc | | 58% | Elizabeth I | | 54% | Boudicca | | 33% | </td>
Which Female Heroine Are You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
(hahahaha, i just find Xena funny)
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02:25 pm - killing time before class
In the last 24 hours have you....
1. Had sex: No, but this is a good thing :-D
2. Bought something: Dinner
3. Gotten sick: do cramps count as sick?
5. Been kissed: Many many times!
6. Ate something: Pizza and Chai Tea
7. Felt stupid: Yes, damn nightmares
8. Talked to an ex: Everyday
9. Missed someone: My mom oddly enough
10. Hugged someone: Yep
Last person who....
1. Slept in your bed: Me/Wayne
2. Saw you cry : Wayne
3. Made you cry: ...This is a tough one. Fred maybe. It depends on how you look at things.
4. You went to the movies with: ...The monkeys (Taz, Rigger and Ramathorne)
5. You went to the mall with: Wayne
Last person you....
1. Said "I Love You" and meant it: Wayne
2. Got in a fight with: Fred
Have You...
3. Been to California: Yes
4. Been to Mexico: No
5. Been to China: no
6. Been to Canada: yes.
7. Been to Europe: Yes, Spain
8. Been to Central America: no
some more questions...
1. Do you have a crush on someone: yes
2. What book are you reading now: The War of the Newts
3. Worst feeling in the world: anger
4. Future KIDS names: Tubes and Tied
6. What's under your bed: Nothing, i put the boxspring on the floor :-D
7. Favorite sport to watch: Hockey
8. Location: New York
9. Piercing/Tattoos: Just my ears pierced a few times. Wayne drew a really cool design in marker around my ankle that I am thinking of taking a picture of and having tattooed there.
10. Do you drink: ummm.... college, what do you think?
11. What are you most scared of right now: fucking up school
12. Where do you want to get married: Unimportant
13. Who do you really hate: Closed minded people and right wing christians
14. Do you like being around people: Sometimes
15. Have you ever liked someone you have no chance with: a huh
16. Have you ever cried: yes
17. Are you lonely right now: Nope
18. Song that's stuck in your head a lot: Firefly by Breaking Benjamin
19. Been in love: Yes.
20. Played strip poker: no
21. Gotten beaten up: No
22. Been on radio/TV: no
23. Been in a mosh-pit: yes
24. Do you have any gay/lesbian friends: yes
25. Skinny dipped: No
26. Real name: Katherine
27. Height: 5'4 and 3/4" exactly
28. fav food: steak and potatoes, cheese, popcorn and Ben and Jerry's Icecream
29: Drink: Whisky
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02:22 pm - I find this so funny...Just cuz I'm a scorpio doesn't mean I'm a dom! Just a very demanding lil sub!
<td align="center">Scorpio
You are very dominant in bed, and you like to control your relationship in general.
You are so intense in the sack that none of your partners will ever forget you. You are an amazing lover, because you like to have an equal amount of give and take.
Sex matches: Cancer, Capricorn, Pisces
Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com
</td>
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September 27th, 2005
04:18 pm - A Decision
This will bore most of you, but I am finding it a necessary evil. Everyday, I'm going to log where my time went. How long I spent doing what, a list of things I accomplished and a list of things that still need to be accomplished. This way, I'll see what I'm spending too much time, where I need to spend more time and above all, that I am working my ass off everyday so I won't be so goddamned pushy with myself.
I guess I'll post about today tomorrow morning. So I get in whole days. Anyway. That's my decision.
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01:42 pm - Quizzes
| You scored as Apathy. Your life is marked by quite a bit of apathy: You don?t seem to care much about the direction of your own life, much less society in general.
I would find a quote or two to better describe the virtues and thoughts behind apathy, but ironically those who would espouse the concept of apathy are too apathetic to write about it.
?Eh, who cares??
--Myself, just now...
More info at Arocoun's Wikipedia User Page...
Apathy | | 55% | Utilitarianism | | 45% | Hedonism | | 45% | Nihilism | | 40% | Existentialism | | 30% | Strong Egoism | | 30% | Justice (Fairness) | | 25% | Kantianism | | 15% | Divine Command | | 0% | </td>
What philosophy do you follow? (v1.03)
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as A Too Sweet Faerie. So sweet your totally sugared up! Has there ever been anyone so nice. Quick to forgive and quick to forget, everybody wants to know you! You've just got to make sure nobody takes advantage and tries to use you, don't be afraid to say no sometimes!
See All Results/Comment
A Too Astral Faerie | | 70% | A Too Sweet Faerie | | 70% | A Too Lazy Faerie | | 70% | A Too Serious Faerie | | 55% | A Too Kinky Faerie | | 50% | A Too Sporty Faerie | | 35% | A Too Silly Faerie | | 30% | A Too Evil Faerie | | 20% | A Too Depressed Faerie | | 20% | </td>
Which Dysfunctional Faerie are You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Ruby. Ruby, resembling love, wealth, wisdom and purity. Ruby-types tend to think with their heart and not their heads, sometimes resulting in wild desicions, but constantly following love and romance. Ruby-types also tend to have a fair judgement and sweet and good feelings for many things.
See All Results/Comment
Ruby | | 77% | Garnet | | 70% | Emerald | | 70% | Peridot | | 67% | Aquamarine | | 67% | Topaz | | 67% | Celestite | | 60% | Athemyst | | 53% | </td>
Which Mystic Gem Stone Relates To You?
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Green. The Green Party believes in an America where decisions are made by the people and not by a few giant corporations. Their environmental goal is a sustainable world where nature and human society co-exist in harmony.
Green | | 80% | New Democrat | | 75% | Old School Democrat | | 70% | Libertarian | | 40% | Pro Business Republican | | 25% | Foreign Policy Hawk | | 10% | Socially Conservative Republican | | 0% | </td>
What's Your Political Philosophy?
created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Hartigan. You are Hartigan.
You expect a lot from yourself. You want to do what is right, but if you don't succeed you can be very hard on youself. When things seem grim, litte things keep you going such as letters or gestures from others. A strong believer in justice, you always keep your values. Continue to make the most of your life, but make sure to ease up on yourself a little.
Hartigan | | 68% | Dwight | | 58% | Nancy | | 53% | Gail | | 38% | Marv | | 35% | Shellie | | 30% | Becky | | 30% | Jackie Boy | | 23% | Yellow bastard. | | 8% | </td>
Which Sin City character are you (new version)?
created with QuizFarm.com |
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01:37 pm - Colorquiz amazes me at times.
Your Existing Situation
Active, but feels that insufficient progress or reward is being made for the effort exerted.
Your Stress Sources
Seeks independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoids obligations or anything which might prove hampering. She is being subjected to considerable pressure and wants to escape from it so that she can obtain what she needs, but tends to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Relationships rarely measure up to her high emotional expectations and her need to be made the center of things, leading to disappointment . Always has mental reservations and tends to remain emotionally isolated and unattached.
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Wants interesting and exciting things to happen. Able to make herself well-liked by her obvious interest and by the very openness of her charm. Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming.
Your Actual Problem
Seeks to avoid criticism and to prevent restriction of her freedom to act, and to decide for herself by the exercise of great personal charm in her dealings with others.
Your Actual Problem #2
The tensions induced by trying to cope with conditions which are really beyond her capabilities, or reserves of strength, have led to considerable anxiety and a sense of personal (but unadmitted) inadequacy. She attempts to escape into a substitute world in which things are more nearly as she desires them to be.
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12:53 pm - Art Therapy
I know many people use their hobbies as a sort of therapy. I know that there is such a thing called art therapy also. I've just always been one to sort of scoff at it as cliche. And while I think there is value in art (of any kind) being an outlet for emotion, it has become a bit passe as far as a topic of discussion. At least, to me.
And yet, I am now using my writing as therapy.
In my Creative Writing: Fiction class, we are to begin writing a novel made up entirely of first person interior monologues. Of course she doesn't expect us to finish the novel, but we are to work on a novel, attempt a novel, nonetheless.
And mine is autobiographical fiction. I'm using characters based on people I know, changing the names and tweaking a few things. But basically, it's about a girl whose trust and heart are shattered by a cheating boyfriend, and her struggle to let go and move on.
Even the description sounds cliche.
But, I have decided if this will help me emotionally, and get me a good grade in writing class, then so be it. I just feel so ridiculous. Especially becaue some of the chapters/character monologues are what I would call, really good!
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/okay.gif) a bit foolish and passe
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September 23rd, 2005
05:41 pm
I want a Maine Coon Cat so badly I could cry.
The breeder I want to get a kitten from prices his cats as following:
Female: 900.00-1,200.00
Male: 1,800.00-2,400.00
And of course, I want a male kitten.
I want a cat from a breeder, to make sure the kitten is treated appropriately etc. Pet mills are no fucking fun for those poor animals. And of course, I picked one of the best breeders, but I love knowing that the kittens and their parents are well cared for by responsible people. I think it's worth the cost, but I just don't know how in the hell I'm going to afford anything like that.
I'll find a way. I want one of these cats so badly. It's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/nerdy.gif) nerdy
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September 22nd, 2005
05:09 pm - Heartbreak
Before Fred, I always said I'd never had my heartbroken.
I hope it never happens again, because today I realized I never got over what Fred did and I don't think I ever will. It hurts so fucking bad, still, today. I can't believe him or what happened.
I just don't understand it.
I feel so stupid, so naive.
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12:11 pm - Balance
I am working on finding a balance in my school work and home life.
Even though there are things to be done every day, only some of them NEED to be done and if there is energy after that (and sometimes there is) then I can continue.
I don't need to feel constantly behind. There's always something that needs doing.
I am going to make sure, when I feel bored or am not actively relaxing (what a great oxymoron :D ) to go about spending my time wisely on things that could save me stress/energy and time later.
I am also going to pick what I do for fun and relaxation much more carefully.
The other thing is, Taz and I have been spending every night together. Sometimes he sleeps in my room, sometimes I downstairs in his.
While I don't really mind this, and we dont' spend a ton of time together anyway since I have class and he works until 9:30 pm every night, I don't think sharing our sleeping space every night is a good idea.
Sometimes it can feel great to have the whole bed to yourself so you can just sprawl. And both of us only have fulls...So any sprawling space I can get is precious.
Also, I'm less inclined to get up and do work in the morning, unless it's reading, which I can do in bed without turning on a light since the sun is still coming up relatively early--but other than that, I stay in bed as long as he does...Which wastes a good two hours of my day.
So I'm just going to be a bit more careful about things. I think Thurs-Sat nights are fine to share because they are weekend nights and I don't always have to be so careful about time. During the week generally I think I am going to sleep in my own bed but if he were to come upstairs to sleep once or twice after I'd gone to bed (he usually goes to bed later than I if we're not sharing rooms with eachother, which is the other reason I want to give us a break--he's been going to bed with me earlier and I know it's cause he wants to, but I also want the rest of the monkeys to get a chance to hang with him and sometims he just needs to blow off steam with the friends he's not involved with romantically.) so if he were to come in once or twice or every once in awhile after I'd gone to bed, I'd be ok with that. I jsut think space is good, even though we already have a lot--i'm taking up a lot of his free time, and I know he has many other interests, and while he hasn't suggested more space, I don't want it to get to the point where he feels like he has to.
Anyway, time to go read poetry and write for class.
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September 20th, 2005
05:18 pm - Not so much...
I am making myself take my Ritalin prescription again. I am so sleepy in class, it's terrible. They are all in the afternoon/evening too. I feel very weird on it, but it takes about a week for me to adjust. This is not a first. I've taken Ritalin from 5th grade through 11th. So it's just a blast from my past.
I think it will help, but I do so hate having to take it.
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September 17th, 2005
08:26 pm - You Suck
Fred,
You are a crappy friend. You have not once expressed interest in hanging out with me since you've been back. I've made efforts, I've come and sat and started conversation with you specifically. I am quite intentionally *TRYING* to be your friend. I have already trusted you with information only 2 other people will ever know. I was quite obviously worried and sad and you sat there like an idiot. The Fred I knew before I started sleeping with you, the friend I had in Fred before the relationship was someone who'd put his arm around his friend to cheer him or her up. I saw those funny costume pieces on sale and knew how much you'd love them (even if as a silly joke, hell, especially as a silly joke) and got them for you. You never ONCE said thank you. I even had to ask you if you liked the gift or not, and when you said "yeah I love it." I paused, and waiting for you to say thank you and you never once did. You have been wearing them nonstop since I gave them to you and I can't even be happy at how much you like them, because you are completely ungrateful. All it would have taken was a "thanks." I'm not being unreasonable. I'm not being nit-picky or asking for more than I deserve. This has nothing to do with our past relationship. This has nothing to do with the fact that I will never allow you to be good enough for me in the context of dating--I know that and I am aware of it, and I have thought long and hard over this and made fucking sure that this is not that. What this is, is you being a shitty friend. I was sad over the breakup, even though we both decided it was best. I mourned us not working out, but I did not mourn YOU, because I knew you'd still be my friend. Well you fucking haven't been. Once again, I feel cheated. I truly believed you. You invite Wayne and Ramathorne to play raquetball, and not me. I always went with you and Wayne and Ramathorne, because I LOVE TO PLAY raquetball. You never make an effort to speak to me, spend time with me or even say "hey, you wanna smoke a bowl?" You are not unfriendly, but you are not warm. You are casual and non chalant. I hate it and I hate that you are treating me this way. I am not going to say "I'm not going to be your friend anymore." Because that is stupid and childish and to be honest, I really would love to be your stupid friend and it is killing me that you're treating me with such carelessness. But you are not letting me be your friend, so I couldn't possibly take my friendship away because you already refuse it.
Every day I feel more and more foolish for believing, trusting or hoping for any of the things you have told me, ever--since I have known you.
You are hurting my feelings, I am fucking angry at you, I feel bitter as hell about ever trusting you, I feel mistrustful and every time I see you I want to kick myself because I told myself you were capable of loving me much more than you ever would have told me you were capable.
I loved you so hard. My mistakes were made, as hurtful as they were and are, they were made out of love. They are still mistakes, and they still hurt. They are still terrible, but they were made out of love. I thought I could be with you, that you were worth any misery. And I'm sorry for putting myself through all that misery, and in doing so (unconsciously for the longest time--until we broke up) making you miserable.
Your mistakes were done out of selfishness, malice and fear. You said so yourself. You refused to speak to me about the problems you were having. So you found Oli again. You lied to me. You lied to her. Our song, my gifts, the lines you fed me--all were hers first. You didn't even bother to change the wording of the phrases you fed the two of us. I was exchangeable. You told me my jealous feelings and suspicious feelings (despite me never feeeling that way ever) were a result of me being on the wrong narcolepsy medication. You made me feel psychotic. You told her I was jealous because I knew about the two of you. The only time we had a regular sex life was when you were at it with her. From the moment I first met you, until March 17th 2004, you were "with" her in every possible way you could manage.
All you had to do was say, "Katie, I'm worried. You are up and down and here and there, and I can't tell if it's you or your meds but we are fighting all the time and I don't know what's going on. I'm not sure if being together is a good idea." Or any sort of half assed permutation thereof. We could have talked.
Afraid I was going to freak out cause of my meds? I'll tell you once more it would have been less than me finding out ONLINE in LIVEJOURNAL from her own journal that you were cheating on both of us, using the same lines, us having the same song as you and her, using us interchangeably, lying to me, denying it when i had the proof in front of me, leading me on to believe i was psychotic and my feelings were a reaction to my new meds, and NOT TALKING TO ME ABOUT HOW WORRIED MY MOODINESS (legitimately due to meds, which were later changed) MADE YOU AND HOW YOU WEREN'T SURE IF WE SHOULD BE GOING OUT UNTIL I HAD THINGS BETTER SETTLED.
You are such a shitty friend.
I truly wish I could hate you.
And I hate that I loved you.
...But, you don't read this anyway. So I'll just smile and say hello in passing the next time I see you.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/stars/angry.gif) something's chaffing
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September 13th, 2005
01:29 pm - Managing the Workload
Ok, I'm going to have to be a dork and start recording how much time a day I spend on homework and for which class, because many of my classes are what I call, self-propelled: where the professor gives you assignments to have done by the end of the semester, but without further deadlines.
So, so far, today I have spent:
9:45-1:00 working on Creative Writing Fiction (mini sagas)
I will spend:
4:00-5:30 working on Creative Writing Fiction (sentence, character sketch, reading)
9:00-11:00 reading for my directed study (Emerson biography)
That's a good chunk of my day. I feel better.
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fromeveryseed's journal